


Poems Before I rest

by Dangerous_Button



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Confusion, Depression, Feelings, Health, Mental, Poems, Poetry, Sad, Sadness, Suicide, Trust, Words, aesthetic, mental health, puzzle, thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22215049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangerous_Button/pseuds/Dangerous_Button
Summary: There is only so much one can do before they break. Before they hurt.I have hurt.And in these small poemsI tell my story.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1
Collections: Poetry





	1. Stars

A relationship built on hate.

A hate built on love.

Love built on pain.

Pain that came from within.

The beauty of a bully and his victim.

The beauty of the victim and her lover.

The pain that swallows them whole,

yet no one is able to see it because the rain will disguise them.

The sun will hide them.

The moon will only expose the dangerous truth,

and the people can't stay indoors all night.

They'd have to come out and stargaze at least once in their life.

But only when the adolescents watch the stars,

will the "lover" bring out the knife.

Since words will not be spoken,

The roll of the dice is small.

But that wont stop blind people,

from hitting the wall.

Some things are meant to happen,

others are not.

And we are thankful that what happened,

was that the so called lover, was caught.


	2. Clouds

When the light shines down on me,

Am I supposed to feel free?

Am I supposed to be happy?

I am trapped in the water,

The waves drown me.

They mock and tease me.

Since I don't know how to swim

I will never win.

I watch the sun as "he" grins.

"He" knows that I'm alone.

"He" knows that I will drown.

Yet he sits in his sky,

As I learn to fly.

I gained my wings,

I learned to fly.

And yet the Sun thought that he was so sly.

I'll live in the clouds,

For I am brave.

And I'll look down at my family,

Everyday.


	3. Puzzle pt.1

Being in this foreign place scares me.  
Nothing fits.  
It's like a jigsaw puzzle.  
A puzzle missing a piece.  
A piece that was lost in oblivion.  
Maybe trying to find it's way back.  
Maybe not.

I tried to walk,  
But my feet were like concrete.  
They held me down,  
Keeping me in place.

Strangers look at me.  
Ask if I'm alright.

I'm not alright

I want to say.  
I don't say a word.  
It's not like they'd see me anyway.  
Besides, I think I'm okay.

I think.  
I. do. not. know

My brain works,  
My lungs,  
My heart.

But it's not enough.  
In order to fit in,  
I need change.  
In order to fix myself.  
In order to fit in with this new puzzle.

I need.

I want.

I have to improve.

My lungs need thicker tissue.  
My brain needs more cells.  
My eyes shouldn't need glasses.

Eyes that wont decieve me.

Lungs that continue to circulate air.

A brain that doesn't hold my fears.  
A brain without haunting images.  
A brain that washes the bad away.

No I can never fit in this new puzzle.  
I have no right too.

But maybe.. The new me can.


	4. Strong

My strongness is a facade.

A figure head.

The one doing all the work here,

Is my sadness


	5. Just

I am alone.

I don't understand why.

Are you there?

No.

It's just me.

In the dark,

I sit on a bench,

Waiting for you.

I see something.

Is that you?

No.

Just a shadow.

The breeze runs around me,

I am on a tire swing.

It's pretty.

Trees sway.

I feel a push on the small of my back.

Finally!

You've arrived.

I turn to greet you,

but freeze.

You are not there.

It is just the wind.

No.

No.

You are not there.

WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE?

I sit.

Alone.

Silently.

There's a knock on my door.

I know it's not you.

Is it you?

No.

I open,

Expecting to see you.

Are you there?

No.

It is just me.

Just me.

Mocking myself.

Taunting.

I am not me.

I

AM

NOT

ME

WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?

WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?

ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT!

No.

I am alone.

No.

You are with me.

No.

It is my imagination.

No

I am silent.

Blood drips.

No.

I am silent.

You...

You are there.

I made it.

I see you.

But,

It's just my imagination


	6. Mom

I am embarrassed to say things.  
I don't like putting myself out there.  
I was not raised by kings.  
My life naked and bare.

If you see me,  
Don't say hi.  
Don't act fine.

Be yourself is what my mom says

Well mom, I would.  
I would if you stopped pressuring me.  
Pressuring me to be like you.

I am embarrassed to share what I like.  
No one shares my likes.  
I am not one of a kind,  
Just lonely.

No one likes the music I listen to,  
But that's the music at night  
to get me through.

Sorry I'm not enough mom.  
Sorry you don't approve of my music.

I'm embarrassed of my weight.  
I get I'm not the fittest  
I've been trying.  
You jumping on back  
Will not help.  
You siding with my bullies  
Will not help  
Saying that I did something  
To anger them  
Is wrong.  
I've never done a thing

I'm embarrassed to write.  
To pour my feelings into the ink  
That splats onto the page.  
I don't want a profit

Mom, I don't want a profit.

I'm embarrassed to talk  
About me  
About my 'friends'  
About my community.

You laugh at me  
Mock me.

What parent bans their child  
From saying gay.  
If I want  
I'll say it from day to day.

I'm embarrassed to wake up  
Will you mock me?

Tell me I have an attitude,  
When it is you who has one?

Just stop.

Mom.

Mom,  
Remember when I was born?  
You said you'd love me forever.  
You'd accept my flaws,  
And that you'd except me.

But when I came out to you  
At the age of 11  
You bashed me.

But you'll sit and say,  
You accept me,  
Because your best friend is gay?

You don't accept me.  
Stop acting like you do.  
I talk about my dysphoria  
And you say,  
What would Jesus do?

Stop telling me,  
That Jesus loves me.  
You as a parent,  
Should love me.

Sorry to burst your bubble,  
But Jesus is dead.  
Start thinking from your heart,  
And not your head.

Think from your heart.

Mom.


	7. Puzzle pt.2

Being in this foreign place scares me.

I don't fit.

Like a lost jigsaw puzzle piece,

Trying to go home.

I end up in another puzzle,

I don't fit.

Am I supposed to fit?

Strangers look at me,

Question if I'm okay.

If I'm supposed to be here.

I'm not.

Im supposed to be snug away.

With everyone else.

Like, everyone else.

With my ends fitting with someone else,

And my colours blended.

No.

No,

I am not supposed to be here.

No,

I am not supposed to fit here.

But...

Is it all that bad?

I may not be able to fit here,

But you can't start a new puzzle,

Without a starting piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2. I learn to accept being foreign


	8. i am

Sometimes I wonder what happened.

I go back to look at old messages.

When did you start using my name?

I am sad.

How did you make me feel masculine?

I wanted that feeling for so long.

I think you abused it.

Abused me.

I am crying.

I put on Joji and cry.

I know you didn't like him...

Is it because if that?

Because I listen to somber,  
Dignified,  
And heart touching music?

I am sleeping.

The dream I once had of you and me...

Has turned.

Turned into a nightmare.

I am frozen.

Sleep paralysis,

Haunt me.

I am dead.

I've cut and scraped till there was nothing.

Till there was no one.

I am dead.

Where did I go wrong?

You wrap your arms around me.

Blush.

Where did I go wrong?

I "kissed" your aching legs.

Where did I go wrong?

I am rotting

I go back to look at old messages.

I go back to look at old messages.

I go back to look at old messages.

I go back to look at old messages.

...

Where did I go wrong?

I realize.

I see where I went wrong.

No.

No I don't.

Yes.

Yes I do.

I fell for you.

Believed you loved me too.

Said you were afraid,

For someone to take me from you.

Called me sweet.

I realize.

You complimented me.

No one ever compliments me.

Its something different.

It was a lie.

It was all fake.

You asked me before,

What I meant,

About a certain thing.

I told you.

I am dead.

I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS.

I WANT TO BE LOVERS.

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME,

THE WAY I WANT YOU.

I am sorry.

I think of my ex.

He treated me kind.

Gave me compliments.

Just like you.

But as soon as I opened up,

He left.

Just like you.

I am naive.

I am weak.

I am

Jason


	9. Anorexia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anorexia is not a joke. I used to be Anorexic, and it's the most terrifying thing on Earth, though I've gotten a lot better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.crchealth.com/crisis-hotlines  
> https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline  
> https://www.bulimia.com/topics/eating-disorder-hotline/

I don't know how to feel,

I know my friends aren't real,

I've tried to keep it in...

Didn't they see,

I've gotten more thin?

The food is less appetizing,

I throw up every meal,

I always feel so dizzy,

I don't know how to deal.

See, that's what happens.

When you have no one to talk to.

When you feel like no one sees you.

You're just a wall,

No emotions getting through,

I guess I'd have to understand,

We have the same problems...

Me and you.

"You're looking kinda thin"

He says,

His tongue between his teeth,

"I guess it's always been like this"

Though I was hungry underneath.

She took me by the hand today,

And showed me to the world,

But what I had to eat this day,

Was nothing, but beans curled.

My hair has started falling out,

My blood pressure is low,

I think this is the end for me,

It's time that I let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.crchealth.com/crisis-hotlines  
> https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline  
> https://www.bulimia.com/topics/eating-disorder-hotline/


End file.
